As the tears are welling up in my eyes, I'm constantly wondering why. Why can't I feel normal? Why can't I just be happy? Why does it feel like my mind is sabotaging my life, my mood, my happiness?
It's hard to smile. Even when my kids are laughing and silly, right now the smile (if it comes) is forced.
They are laughing and giggling, running and yelling, singing and dancing. And on days like today, I am covering my ears, overwhelmed by the noise and the constant movement that is my home, trying to hide, wishing I could shrink down into a little ball of nothing and disappear for a little while.
How can I think that? Why do I feel like that?
Sitting on the couch, I could be writing this, crocheting something, nursing the babe and my three year old won't stop touching me. Grabbing my arm, putting her feet on me. I should take a moment to just snuggle and enjoy her... instead I hastily pull away, my nerves are set on edge, I cringe, my shoulders shrug up. She is three and has no respect for my personal boundaries. I don't know if it's normal three year old stuff but it sets me off.
Why? Why does it effect me that way? She is my child. My first. My daughter. I love her with every ounce of my being. And it's totally not fair.
Immediately, I am so angry with myself. I am ashamed, even though I really did nothing wrong. I'm ashamed at the mother that I am not.
I know that I am a good mother. Right now though, I don't feel like I am.
I don't feel like I am good at anything.
I feel so clouded.
So cut off.
On a regular day, when I feel normal, I know that I do good, that I'm okay, that I get what I can done, etc.
On a down day there's no excuses. I tear myself down. I destroy every bit of happiness within myself. Over nothing. For no good reason. I'm terrible at keeping up the home. I don't have the patience to stay home. I'm an awful girlfriend. I don't deserve the good life I have.
It hurts so much!
I hurt.
It's like there's that Angel vs devil on my shoulder thing going on. There is this part of my mind that no matter how happy or good I feel it sneaks in like a little whisper, reminding me of what a failure I am.
In a few days I'll remember that none of this evil is true. That I am a good mom. I could probably be a better girlfriend. And I do what I can when it comes to a clean house, two toddlers and two dogs. Maybe I'll even have a few lucky moments throughout the down days where I'll remember that.
But right now it hurts and I just want to hide and cry. Try to forget my failures. Try to cope with my feelings. Try to block out the unbelievably loud noises that are my son banging anything on everything.
Don't worry I have an appointment this week.
