Taking the Command

The people who know me really well know that I love to organize, I like to do-it-myself, and I LOVE to make lists. The organization thing really crumbled after having kids. The cupboards no longer stay in order, labels don't face out, kids make cities with boxes and can towers, and somehow the syrup is on the same shelf as the pasta sauces and canned vegies; the DVDs are not only not in alphabetical order but they are also non-existent to the prying hands and slobbery mouths of babies and toddlers. My books are hidden, terribly saddening, and the photo albums are stored away too. Nothing is safe when you have little hands running around at knee to hip height. I can only control what is stored at a certain height. Dishes and the closets... thats about it.

Last year I officially became a stay at home mom and I am really thankful for it. There are so many positives with staying at home but there are some negatives as well. One of those negatives is the lack of daily structure and routine. I have struggled this past year in trying to find the right way to really help me structure my day. I need to know what I'm doing, have a game-plan. I need to SEE it written down, to see myself writing it down. Doing so almost engraves it in my mind and I am less likely to forget. I sort of home-schooled my then three year old last year along with daily vision therapy exercises; that was where my adventure in finding the best structure and plan for my day began.

I first tried a Home Management Binder. I made dividers throughout from scrapbooking paper and made sections for the daily goals, cleaning, meal planning, financial, medical, house. Basically everything in one binder. Which worked really well for the Financial, Medical and Home categories. All of the important receipts, medical papers, important home documents and random things that eventually need to be filed away. But for the house cleaning, meal planning, and daily planning I just wasn't feeling the "have a whole big binder out on the counter all day" kinda groove. It wasn't working.  I printed out a blank weekly planner sheet and stuck it in a clear page protector and put it on the fridge. That sort of worked, the dry erase part is awesome, but it was over on the fridge and my calendar was on a different wall and my daily planner journal was on the counter. Doing circles. All day.

The daily journal worked the best of all of those because essentially I did have everything for the coming months there in one little book. But that was also the problem, it was little, and I'd have to flip through a bunch of pages to find the full month calendar. Not efficient enough for me.

And so I made a Command Center. And I love it. It is almost perfect. Nothing can ever be perfect, there is always room for change and improvement. But so far it is working fabulously!

This was really easy to make! All frames are from the dollar store and I use them as Dry Erase boards; cuts down on my paper list usage! The only thing not dry erase is the calendar! I ordered a large, much larger than I thought, 16 month desk calendar. With kids and stuff there's a lot of prescheduled appointments and events that need to be marked months away. I need to have everything together. I'm not very good at scheduling in my phone, it never works right. I'm not always compatible with todays technology!

The calendar is of course color coded. Each of the family members appointments or events are written in their specific color. By the end of the month, the calendar is very colorful. Color coding really helps me, it is definitive of who has what going on.

In one of the frames is this awesome quote that my Beachbody coach had shared with our group one day and I fell in love with it. It is the perfect affirmation that not only reminds you daily but also in the long term. When I read it everyday, I'm not only setting myself up for a positive day but I am also setting myself up for a positive outlook towards the future.

This frame is strictly for me! This frame is not meant for chores or to do lists or family reminders. "Love Thy Self" is there for me, for my reminders to focus on myself. Whether it be a workout I want to get done, nutritional or medical advice for myself, a personal affirmation for the day, or a reminder on something personal that I am focusing on, this is where that goes!

I made a "High Priority List" because honestly there are so many TO-DO's everyday. I write my TOP 3 to dos for the day here. They don't have to be chores, but for me they usually are. Some days it could be "finish crochet project," "update blog," or any other non chore related thing I need to get done that day. Rate your to-do list from most important to least important and your first 3 go here!

This is where I write daily and weekly reminders such as calls to make, appointments coming up that week, gift purchases that need to be made. I like it all right there!

And then we have the Cleaning list! Because, frankly, I suck at keeping track at what I have and have not cleaned! How I made this chart was I kind of just tried to think of what I chores I do daily, weekly and monthly and what chores I would like or feel I should be doing daily, monthly or weekly.

The good thing about this since I made this on my computer is that if its not working out for me I can go back and edit and reprint whatever additions or removals are needed. It took a little bit of thought but I did it and I love it! And honestly I do not do all the daily stuff and I don't think I have once checked off everything in any column but oh well. Stuff is getting done, I can see its getting done and that's all that matters.


I put this up about a month ago now and it's STILL working for me so I think I have finally found a command center that works for me! I use it everyday, in the mornings I stand in front of it with my hot, fresh cup of coffee  while planning and reviewing the day!

Hope this inspires other Mommas out there to find their way to take command!!

The Beginning of a New Chapter [In Parenthood]

This week marks the beginning of a new chapter in this journey called parenthood. Yesterday, my first born started Pre-K. In New York they have a program called Universal Pre Kindergarten that is free [thankfully] for children age 4. In the city we live in, the UPK program is located in one of their elementary schools and is a full day program.

Most of me has been jumping for joy for this moment while a smaller part of me is maybe a tad bit sad. Not sad, but maybe just still in this solemn shock that my baby girl is growing up. Otherwise though, I have been very excited and looking forward to this moment. Not only for my sanity as I am a stay at home mom and in the day to day it can be quite trying; but also for my daughter to start a new chapter in her life.

Gone are the days where it doesn't matter what time we get up, not that it was ever later than 7:30 anyway. Gone are the days of a less strict bedtime.

In their place are mornings of getting up at the same time everyday, making sure Girly follows her morning routine exact, preparing lunch and snacks every morning, following a more strict bedtime routine, and checking her "home" folder.

It's an adjustment for us all, a welcome adjustment. One that is only the beginning, next year and every year after this will be more of an adjustment with the additions of homework, heavy backpacks, and sports. [I am trying not to think about this.]

Parenthood is such a journey, always a challenge, always something new. In the beginning its babies finding their toes, learning to crawl, eating solid food, walking and talking. The toddler years when your little one is learning his or her independence, figuring out all the new things there are in the world that seem so amazing to them. Like "oh I can open this door now" or "look at me, I climbed up the chair and onto the table."

Everyday is a new adventure, for you and for them. And then it comes time for them to go to school and you're just like "already?"

I am ultimately excited for her to start this new adveture of her life. Socializing, learning classroom rules, how to better follow instructions, learning new things. Today is only her second day, but her face as she is walking into school is just incredible to me. She has this smile, this smile that is glued to her face by a mixture of shock, excitement, and amazement. It isn't an ear to ear grin but rather this small smile with eyes that are unbelieving almost. She can hardly say a word as she is walking in the doors. I find myself remember moments in childhood when I felt the same way that she does now. It brings me nothing but joy for her, to know that she is feeling that feeling, to know that she is happy, to know that what she is seeing is so amazing to her that she can barely speak.

I am excited for myself and my little fella at home too. Besides when I am babysitting, this is the beginning of he and I having some one on one time. The beginning of his adventure in learning new things, being taught by mommy like his big sister was. He is my big helper around the house, helps me clean. His favorites are unloading and loading the dishwasher, rinsing dishes, sweeping and helping Mom fold laundry. I am savoring these moments of having such a great big helper, because I am sure by this time next year he will no longer want to help me. Just like his sister. Next up on his toddler journey will be potty training. I am hoping he is quicker to learn than his sister, who was naked waste down for about 5 months before she turned 3.

It really just goes by so fast. The day to day is slow, dragging, challenging, and testing, with moments of joy and happiness and moments of [almost] complete sanity loss. The days are slow but the years fly by. Time is a funny thing, fickle really. Before I know it, both of my children will be graduating highschool. Until then, every day, week, month and year is the beginning of something new and the ending of something old.

This is the beginning of our new chapter; Girly's new chapter of going to school and my new chapter of having my first school age child.

I wish her every day be more fabulous than the last and may she learn something new and find something new that she loves each and every day.

Finding what makes me, ME

As of yesterday, I began the 40 day BEing Spiritually Intelligent Transformation Course offered by Susan Abrams Milligan, author of BEing Spiritually Intelligent Volume 1.
Check her out here! www.susanabramsmilligan.com

I began (slowly) reading her book about 2 weeks ago. I only read a chapter or part of before bed at night, but I have never felt so connected to her words and the content of her words. Even only in the introduction, were her words not only relatable but the exact feelings and questions I have been experiencing lately.

I have been feeling this deep down, strong urge or push to really truly find myself. But I didn't know where to begin, I didn't know what I was supposed to do and, especially where faith and the Divine were concerned, I wasn't sure how to express what it was I believed in. Honestly, I am not religious, but I felt very lacking in faith.

Then I read these words (among many) in only an introduction:
"Everything happens for a reason, in perfect timing, and in Divine right order" - Susan Abrams Milligan.
She was referring to coincidence and the definition of what it is to coincide. And it all just made sense, I knew in that moment that here was the beginning of a renewed and whole me.

· I was realizing such strong feelings of the need to change, to search, to grow and to find myself.
· Without knowing it at that time, my energy, those needs, were thrown into the universe, searching for that pull off attraction.
·This book is introduced to me, this book that is every thought and wonder I have been asking is in my lap in black and white. And it fills so many unsurities, explains them.
·A course is offered at the time I am reading this book, a course for 40 days, to help find yourself, to help make this (to me) perfect way of thinking and living become a habit.

I can now put into words and understanding the how and the why...
I subconsciously put into the universe that my spirit was missing something, that I was missing something, that I felt lost. The universe responded, offering to me the path that ultimately felt so right. And I, acknowledging my BEing chose to continue learning in this way. I am choosing to make a better habit of thought, to have a renewed sense of self, and to acknowledge my BEing. 


Tell me right there that is not Divine right order, that that is not the proof of energy and attraction coinciding within the universe!

I decided to take this 40 day challenge so that I could make this renewed way of thinking a habit. I want to continue to feel this way, to think this way and to evolve with this mindset and these beliefs rooted into my being.

I am finding my BEing.


Today, after a day of looking inward at what it is that I love about my BEing, I will share 5 of those with you that you probably don't know about be.

1) I love to listen to my cat purr. 
That probably sounds really silly but it is true. When I lay with my cat, I love the feeling of just laying there listening to his purr. He usually sleeps so that his face is resting on my head. You can hear the sound, you can feel the sound and I find it so soothing. It is a way that my spirit connects with his spirit.

2) I love to be creative.
Right now my creative outlet is crocheting. I find so much enjoyment within myself when I am being productive, artistic and creative.

3) I love to sing and dance to the radio.
Be it in the car or my living room, I love to dance. It's something I don't do in front of people often out of shyness. But, especially when I'm with my kids, I love how easy it is for me to just let go and groove to the beat. (P.S.  I'm probably not a good dancer) ;)

4) I love how empathetic I am.
I love how naturally the want and need to be there for someone in a time of need comes. Even if I don't know what to say, or there isn't anything to say. I just know my BEing there is something. I love how I have the ability to step outside of a situation and see the views from all sides. I do my best to give support, help or insight top those who need or want it.

5) I love the way I "fall into" a good book.
I love to read, that's not unknown by others. But what isn't known is the way a good story makes me feel. How easily it's as though I've traveled into the pages. I can become so lost in the words of a good story, so engrossed that the story stays within my thoughts throughout the day.


Those are some of the things I enjoy the most about myself, things that are the true me, part of my BEing.

Part of what makes me, ME.

The beginning of my 26th year

Okay so this past two months I have been doing a lot of inner finding within myself. 

My body, mind and soul are ready to evolve and they are pushing me to do so. 

I have been reading a book called BEing Spiritually Intelligent by Sarah Abrams Milligan and I swear from the moment I started reading this book it's like I found the answers to all of the questions I have been asking myself! I am waking up with a whole new attitude and way of thinking and I know within my heart that this is the path I am ready to travel! 

Instead of celebrating New Years as the beginning of a new calendar year I am going to celebrate New Years on my  Birthday. After all, it is a new year for my human body, my human life. It is my 26th year. It is the beginning of my second quarter of a century! 

I choose to allow this year to be the best that it can be. I am choosing to grow and evolve. 

I am choosing to find fulfillment in myself and to acknowledge all that I have to offer, to myself, to my family, to my life and those lives that are affected by my being. 

I have never felt so right  I have never felt so comfortable, confident and SURE of myself and the path that I am ready to take.  

I am taking the 40 day challenge hoste by the author of the book mentioned above. Along with keeping my daily journal, I am going to try my hardest to journal on my blog as well. I want to share my journey with you. 

Time to begin. 

"Focus"

Happy New Year everyone! 

My focal point for this new year is to "focus."

 

It is not, however, my resolution. It just so happened that I coincidentally was ready to make big changes at this time. 

This past year I have struggled with my mudslide of stomach and gut ailments, the recurrence of my depression, the increasing worry and fear of being a failure at parenting, the sabatoge of my mind on my own person.

I have disregarded so much of the good by worrying about being better or perfect or healthy or doing what is right. 

It is exhausting!! And I honestly can't go on feeling like this.

I have made changes. They have been challenging. But they are only the beginning. 

I often forget that changes and improvements can't be made immediately. It takes time, it takes practice, it takes progress. 

It takes FOCUS! 

I want to be able to focus on one thing at a time. (My psych I started seeing said that I am borderline ADHD - go figure!)

I want to be able to focus on the moment and stop worrying about if I'm doing it right. 

I want to be able to step back during a challenging moment and regroup and focus on the important thing. 

I want to be calm and relaxed, to breathe. 

I want to feel whole and complete, confident in myself. Without worry of what others may think, how they view me as a person or a parent. 

I don't want to focus on those things that cause me anxiety and fear and worry. 

I want to focus on what is important to me. The people who matter to me. Bettering the relationships in my life. My body, mind, soul and spirit. Doing things for me that make me happy, doing things for others that make them (and myself) happy. 

I need to slow my mind down (this seems so impossible a times) and live in the moment. 

So far today was a success. 

Here's to hoping the rest of the year includes many positive movements, many focused moments, many "in the moments."

Happy New Year to you all. I wish you the very best of the best! 

lots of love, xo

Christmas Time is Here

It's that time of year again! And we are excited in this house. 

Finally put up the tree! Ended up going the artificial route this year and thanks to my more than wonderful mother in-law, who lent us hers, we didn't have to purchase a fake. 

Decorating the tree with kids was... Interesting. My Girlie is at the perfect age this year for decorating (3 going on 15.) My Buddy, however, was quite the treat throwing ornaments at us. 

Yep, he did. Good thing they were dollar store ornaments. 

Lord knows though, you CAN NOT give young children an ornament to hang quick enough. Especially while you are trying to hang all the breakable and sentimental ones up top before the Buddy chucks them on the floor. 

It was also only a matter of time after the tree was decorated that it would then be called the "fucking Christmas tree!" That time came rather quickly after the kids took half the ornaments off of their bottom of the tree. 

Like 20 minutes later. 

"Stop touching the fucking Christmas tree!"

My inlaws understand what I mean- Merry Fucking Christmas you guys! :-p

Ooo ooo ooo onto the cheer! 

This silly little elf surprised us last night! He snuck in our house while we were eating our dinner, left us a book about him under the tree and then climbed or flew (whatever it is elves do) up into our tree. 

;-)

The excitement! I've always loved the Christmas season, but with my littles especially now that my Girlie is old enough to be excited about it, it's so amazing. 

The wonder in her eyes is pure joy to me. 

Buddy is still too young to understand what's going on, but Girlie is and it's so much fun. 

The spirit is definitely there. In her! 

After a long family discussion: grunts and mumbles from Buddy; shouts of Larry and Bird is the Word from Girlie; Dad yelling his usual weird names like Willy Snack Stick, Jimmy Dean, (these were his Baby Name opinions and my nickname while pregnant) and Puddin-Pop;  and me thinking of ya know normal boring names like Jolly, Jingles, Fred, we finally named our elf. 

We are proud to introduce our holiday visitor, Larry Puddin-Pop. 

Definitely looking forward to this time of year. 

I have had a rough year, many changes in my self that have really created a challenge for me and for my family. Physical and mental changes that I've really had no control over with really no sure answers. And I'm still trying to work it all out. 

Everyday is different, how I'll feel, one way or the other. 

But I'm going to try to revel in this Christmas season, channel in the joy and wonder, and enjoy my life. Even though I've had a difficult year, that's the one thing I need to remember everyday. To enjoy my life because at the end of the day I am so so so lucky to have the life I have. 

Happy Holidays from mine to yours! 

Down 'n out (of my mind)

As the tears are welling up in my eyes, I'm constantly wondering why. Why can't I feel normal? Why can't I just be happy? Why does it feel like my mind is sabotaging my life, my mood, my happiness?

It's hard to smile. Even when my kids are laughing and silly, right now the smile (if it comes) is forced.

They are laughing and giggling, running and yelling, singing and dancing. And on days like today, I am covering my ears, overwhelmed by the noise and the constant movement that is my home, trying to hide, wishing I could shrink down into a little ball of nothing and disappear for a little while.

How can I think that? Why do I feel like that?

Sitting on the couch, I could be writing this, crocheting something, nursing the babe and my three year old won't stop touching me. Grabbing my arm, putting her feet on me. I should take a moment to just snuggle and enjoy her... instead I hastily pull away, my nerves are set on edge, I cringe, my shoulders shrug up. She is three and has no respect for my personal boundaries. I don't know if it's normal three year old stuff but it sets me off.

Why? Why does it effect me that way? She is my child. My first. My daughter. I love her with every ounce of my being. And it's totally not fair.

Immediately, I am so angry with myself. I am ashamed, even though I really did nothing wrong. I'm ashamed at the mother that I am not.

I know that I am a good mother. Right now though, I don't feel like I am.

I don't feel like I am good at anything.

I feel so clouded.

So cut off.

On a regular day, when I feel normal, I know that I do good, that I'm okay, that I get what I can done, etc.

On a down day there's no excuses. I tear myself down. I destroy every bit of happiness within myself. Over nothing. For no good reason. I'm terrible at keeping up the home. I don't have the patience to stay home. I'm an awful girlfriend. I don't deserve the good life I have.


It hurts so much!

I hurt.

It's like there's that Angel vs devil on my shoulder thing going on. There is this part of my mind that no matter how happy or good I feel it sneaks in like a little whisper,  reminding me of what a failure I am.


In a few days I'll remember that none of this evil is true. That I am a good mom. I could probably be a better girlfriend. And I do what I can when it comes to a clean house, two toddlers and two dogs. Maybe I'll even have a few lucky moments throughout the down days where I'll remember that.

But right now it hurts and I just want to hide and cry. Try to forget my failures. Try to cope with my feelings. Try to block out the unbelievably loud noises that are my son banging anything on everything.






Don't worry I have an appointment this week.