The Beginning of a New Chapter [In Parenthood]

This week marks the beginning of a new chapter in this journey called parenthood. Yesterday, my first born started Pre-K. In New York they have a program called Universal Pre Kindergarten that is free [thankfully] for children age 4. In the city we live in, the UPK program is located in one of their elementary schools and is a full day program.

Most of me has been jumping for joy for this moment while a smaller part of me is maybe a tad bit sad. Not sad, but maybe just still in this solemn shock that my baby girl is growing up. Otherwise though, I have been very excited and looking forward to this moment. Not only for my sanity as I am a stay at home mom and in the day to day it can be quite trying; but also for my daughter to start a new chapter in her life.

Gone are the days where it doesn't matter what time we get up, not that it was ever later than 7:30 anyway. Gone are the days of a less strict bedtime.

In their place are mornings of getting up at the same time everyday, making sure Girly follows her morning routine exact, preparing lunch and snacks every morning, following a more strict bedtime routine, and checking her "home" folder.

It's an adjustment for us all, a welcome adjustment. One that is only the beginning, next year and every year after this will be more of an adjustment with the additions of homework, heavy backpacks, and sports. [I am trying not to think about this.]

Parenthood is such a journey, always a challenge, always something new. In the beginning its babies finding their toes, learning to crawl, eating solid food, walking and talking. The toddler years when your little one is learning his or her independence, figuring out all the new things there are in the world that seem so amazing to them. Like "oh I can open this door now" or "look at me, I climbed up the chair and onto the table."

Everyday is a new adventure, for you and for them. And then it comes time for them to go to school and you're just like "already?"

I am ultimately excited for her to start this new adveture of her life. Socializing, learning classroom rules, how to better follow instructions, learning new things. Today is only her second day, but her face as she is walking into school is just incredible to me. She has this smile, this smile that is glued to her face by a mixture of shock, excitement, and amazement. It isn't an ear to ear grin but rather this small smile with eyes that are unbelieving almost. She can hardly say a word as she is walking in the doors. I find myself remember moments in childhood when I felt the same way that she does now. It brings me nothing but joy for her, to know that she is feeling that feeling, to know that she is happy, to know that what she is seeing is so amazing to her that she can barely speak.

I am excited for myself and my little fella at home too. Besides when I am babysitting, this is the beginning of he and I having some one on one time. The beginning of his adventure in learning new things, being taught by mommy like his big sister was. He is my big helper around the house, helps me clean. His favorites are unloading and loading the dishwasher, rinsing dishes, sweeping and helping Mom fold laundry. I am savoring these moments of having such a great big helper, because I am sure by this time next year he will no longer want to help me. Just like his sister. Next up on his toddler journey will be potty training. I am hoping he is quicker to learn than his sister, who was naked waste down for about 5 months before she turned 3.

It really just goes by so fast. The day to day is slow, dragging, challenging, and testing, with moments of joy and happiness and moments of [almost] complete sanity loss. The days are slow but the years fly by. Time is a funny thing, fickle really. Before I know it, both of my children will be graduating highschool. Until then, every day, week, month and year is the beginning of something new and the ending of something old.

This is the beginning of our new chapter; Girly's new chapter of going to school and my new chapter of having my first school age child.

I wish her every day be more fabulous than the last and may she learn something new and find something new that she loves each and every day.

Finding what makes me, ME

As of yesterday, I began the 40 day BEing Spiritually Intelligent Transformation Course offered by Susan Abrams Milligan, author of BEing Spiritually Intelligent Volume 1.
Check her out here! www.susanabramsmilligan.com

I began (slowly) reading her book about 2 weeks ago. I only read a chapter or part of before bed at night, but I have never felt so connected to her words and the content of her words. Even only in the introduction, were her words not only relatable but the exact feelings and questions I have been experiencing lately.

I have been feeling this deep down, strong urge or push to really truly find myself. But I didn't know where to begin, I didn't know what I was supposed to do and, especially where faith and the Divine were concerned, I wasn't sure how to express what it was I believed in. Honestly, I am not religious, but I felt very lacking in faith.

Then I read these words (among many) in only an introduction:
"Everything happens for a reason, in perfect timing, and in Divine right order" - Susan Abrams Milligan.
She was referring to coincidence and the definition of what it is to coincide. And it all just made sense, I knew in that moment that here was the beginning of a renewed and whole me.

· I was realizing such strong feelings of the need to change, to search, to grow and to find myself.
· Without knowing it at that time, my energy, those needs, were thrown into the universe, searching for that pull off attraction.
·This book is introduced to me, this book that is every thought and wonder I have been asking is in my lap in black and white. And it fills so many unsurities, explains them.
·A course is offered at the time I am reading this book, a course for 40 days, to help find yourself, to help make this (to me) perfect way of thinking and living become a habit.

I can now put into words and understanding the how and the why...
I subconsciously put into the universe that my spirit was missing something, that I was missing something, that I felt lost. The universe responded, offering to me the path that ultimately felt so right. And I, acknowledging my BEing chose to continue learning in this way. I am choosing to make a better habit of thought, to have a renewed sense of self, and to acknowledge my BEing. 


Tell me right there that is not Divine right order, that that is not the proof of energy and attraction coinciding within the universe!

I decided to take this 40 day challenge so that I could make this renewed way of thinking a habit. I want to continue to feel this way, to think this way and to evolve with this mindset and these beliefs rooted into my being.

I am finding my BEing.


Today, after a day of looking inward at what it is that I love about my BEing, I will share 5 of those with you that you probably don't know about be.

1) I love to listen to my cat purr. 
That probably sounds really silly but it is true. When I lay with my cat, I love the feeling of just laying there listening to his purr. He usually sleeps so that his face is resting on my head. You can hear the sound, you can feel the sound and I find it so soothing. It is a way that my spirit connects with his spirit.

2) I love to be creative.
Right now my creative outlet is crocheting. I find so much enjoyment within myself when I am being productive, artistic and creative.

3) I love to sing and dance to the radio.
Be it in the car or my living room, I love to dance. It's something I don't do in front of people often out of shyness. But, especially when I'm with my kids, I love how easy it is for me to just let go and groove to the beat. (P.S.  I'm probably not a good dancer) ;)

4) I love how empathetic I am.
I love how naturally the want and need to be there for someone in a time of need comes. Even if I don't know what to say, or there isn't anything to say. I just know my BEing there is something. I love how I have the ability to step outside of a situation and see the views from all sides. I do my best to give support, help or insight top those who need or want it.

5) I love the way I "fall into" a good book.
I love to read, that's not unknown by others. But what isn't known is the way a good story makes me feel. How easily it's as though I've traveled into the pages. I can become so lost in the words of a good story, so engrossed that the story stays within my thoughts throughout the day.


Those are some of the things I enjoy the most about myself, things that are the true me, part of my BEing.

Part of what makes me, ME.

The beginning of my 26th year

Okay so this past two months I have been doing a lot of inner finding within myself. 

My body, mind and soul are ready to evolve and they are pushing me to do so. 

I have been reading a book called BEing Spiritually Intelligent by Sarah Abrams Milligan and I swear from the moment I started reading this book it's like I found the answers to all of the questions I have been asking myself! I am waking up with a whole new attitude and way of thinking and I know within my heart that this is the path I am ready to travel! 

Instead of celebrating New Years as the beginning of a new calendar year I am going to celebrate New Years on my  Birthday. After all, it is a new year for my human body, my human life. It is my 26th year. It is the beginning of my second quarter of a century! 

I choose to allow this year to be the best that it can be. I am choosing to grow and evolve. 

I am choosing to find fulfillment in myself and to acknowledge all that I have to offer, to myself, to my family, to my life and those lives that are affected by my being. 

I have never felt so right  I have never felt so comfortable, confident and SURE of myself and the path that I am ready to take.  

I am taking the 40 day challenge hoste by the author of the book mentioned above. Along with keeping my daily journal, I am going to try my hardest to journal on my blog as well. I want to share my journey with you. 

Time to begin. 

"Focus"

Happy New Year everyone! 

My focal point for this new year is to "focus."

 

It is not, however, my resolution. It just so happened that I coincidentally was ready to make big changes at this time. 

This past year I have struggled with my mudslide of stomach and gut ailments, the recurrence of my depression, the increasing worry and fear of being a failure at parenting, the sabatoge of my mind on my own person.

I have disregarded so much of the good by worrying about being better or perfect or healthy or doing what is right. 

It is exhausting!! And I honestly can't go on feeling like this.

I have made changes. They have been challenging. But they are only the beginning. 

I often forget that changes and improvements can't be made immediately. It takes time, it takes practice, it takes progress. 

It takes FOCUS! 

I want to be able to focus on one thing at a time. (My psych I started seeing said that I am borderline ADHD - go figure!)

I want to be able to focus on the moment and stop worrying about if I'm doing it right. 

I want to be able to step back during a challenging moment and regroup and focus on the important thing. 

I want to be calm and relaxed, to breathe. 

I want to feel whole and complete, confident in myself. Without worry of what others may think, how they view me as a person or a parent. 

I don't want to focus on those things that cause me anxiety and fear and worry. 

I want to focus on what is important to me. The people who matter to me. Bettering the relationships in my life. My body, mind, soul and spirit. Doing things for me that make me happy, doing things for others that make them (and myself) happy. 

I need to slow my mind down (this seems so impossible a times) and live in the moment. 

So far today was a success. 

Here's to hoping the rest of the year includes many positive movements, many focused moments, many "in the moments."

Happy New Year to you all. I wish you the very best of the best! 

lots of love, xo

Christmas Time is Here

It's that time of year again! And we are excited in this house. 

Finally put up the tree! Ended up going the artificial route this year and thanks to my more than wonderful mother in-law, who lent us hers, we didn't have to purchase a fake. 

Decorating the tree with kids was... Interesting. My Girlie is at the perfect age this year for decorating (3 going on 15.) My Buddy, however, was quite the treat throwing ornaments at us. 

Yep, he did. Good thing they were dollar store ornaments. 

Lord knows though, you CAN NOT give young children an ornament to hang quick enough. Especially while you are trying to hang all the breakable and sentimental ones up top before the Buddy chucks them on the floor. 

It was also only a matter of time after the tree was decorated that it would then be called the "fucking Christmas tree!" That time came rather quickly after the kids took half the ornaments off of their bottom of the tree. 

Like 20 minutes later. 

"Stop touching the fucking Christmas tree!"

My inlaws understand what I mean- Merry Fucking Christmas you guys! :-p

Ooo ooo ooo onto the cheer! 

This silly little elf surprised us last night! He snuck in our house while we were eating our dinner, left us a book about him under the tree and then climbed or flew (whatever it is elves do) up into our tree. 

;-)

The excitement! I've always loved the Christmas season, but with my littles especially now that my Girlie is old enough to be excited about it, it's so amazing. 

The wonder in her eyes is pure joy to me. 

Buddy is still too young to understand what's going on, but Girlie is and it's so much fun. 

The spirit is definitely there. In her! 

After a long family discussion: grunts and mumbles from Buddy; shouts of Larry and Bird is the Word from Girlie; Dad yelling his usual weird names like Willy Snack Stick, Jimmy Dean, (these were his Baby Name opinions and my nickname while pregnant) and Puddin-Pop;  and me thinking of ya know normal boring names like Jolly, Jingles, Fred, we finally named our elf. 

We are proud to introduce our holiday visitor, Larry Puddin-Pop. 

Definitely looking forward to this time of year. 

I have had a rough year, many changes in my self that have really created a challenge for me and for my family. Physical and mental changes that I've really had no control over with really no sure answers. And I'm still trying to work it all out. 

Everyday is different, how I'll feel, one way or the other. 

But I'm going to try to revel in this Christmas season, channel in the joy and wonder, and enjoy my life. Even though I've had a difficult year, that's the one thing I need to remember everyday. To enjoy my life because at the end of the day I am so so so lucky to have the life I have. 

Happy Holidays from mine to yours! 

Down 'n out (of my mind)

As the tears are welling up in my eyes, I'm constantly wondering why. Why can't I feel normal? Why can't I just be happy? Why does it feel like my mind is sabotaging my life, my mood, my happiness?

It's hard to smile. Even when my kids are laughing and silly, right now the smile (if it comes) is forced.

They are laughing and giggling, running and yelling, singing and dancing. And on days like today, I am covering my ears, overwhelmed by the noise and the constant movement that is my home, trying to hide, wishing I could shrink down into a little ball of nothing and disappear for a little while.

How can I think that? Why do I feel like that?

Sitting on the couch, I could be writing this, crocheting something, nursing the babe and my three year old won't stop touching me. Grabbing my arm, putting her feet on me. I should take a moment to just snuggle and enjoy her... instead I hastily pull away, my nerves are set on edge, I cringe, my shoulders shrug up. She is three and has no respect for my personal boundaries. I don't know if it's normal three year old stuff but it sets me off.

Why? Why does it effect me that way? She is my child. My first. My daughter. I love her with every ounce of my being. And it's totally not fair.

Immediately, I am so angry with myself. I am ashamed, even though I really did nothing wrong. I'm ashamed at the mother that I am not.

I know that I am a good mother. Right now though, I don't feel like I am.

I don't feel like I am good at anything.

I feel so clouded.

So cut off.

On a regular day, when I feel normal, I know that I do good, that I'm okay, that I get what I can done, etc.

On a down day there's no excuses. I tear myself down. I destroy every bit of happiness within myself. Over nothing. For no good reason. I'm terrible at keeping up the home. I don't have the patience to stay home. I'm an awful girlfriend. I don't deserve the good life I have.


It hurts so much!

I hurt.

It's like there's that Angel vs devil on my shoulder thing going on. There is this part of my mind that no matter how happy or good I feel it sneaks in like a little whisper,  reminding me of what a failure I am.


In a few days I'll remember that none of this evil is true. That I am a good mom. I could probably be a better girlfriend. And I do what I can when it comes to a clean house, two toddlers and two dogs. Maybe I'll even have a few lucky moments throughout the down days where I'll remember that.

But right now it hurts and I just want to hide and cry. Try to forget my failures. Try to cope with my feelings. Try to block out the unbelievably loud noises that are my son banging anything on everything.






Don't worry I have an appointment this week.

Concoction #2 I Smell Apple Pie!

Well it smells like apple pie...

It tastes like apple pie...


But I did not make apple pie!

I made apple pie cookies! Yesterday. Not today, but don't be surprised if I do bake cookies before 9:30 am. It can happen!

They look and smell amazing!! 

The recipe is here: http://glutenfreeonashoestring.com/gluten-free-apple-pie-cookies/


These are one of the most delicious cookies I've ever made!!

I did experiment and tweak this recipe a tad due to my lactose intolerance/dairy free lifestyle.

That meant no white chocolate chips! ... =O Oh the horror!!

Also that meant no 10 tablespoons of butter..... Hot Damn! That's a lot of mother-freaking butter!

Instead I split it half & half between my butter substitute saviors: Earth Balance buttery spread and Coconut Oil.

I will admit it: I was totally scared to use the oil! I know it's a good fat substitute but I was silently freaking out that I might ruin these cookies that I've been dying to make! Especially since Nicole Hunn (author of Gluten Free on a Shoestring) advises against the tweaking of her recipes because her recipes have been perfected and if you mess with them there is a strong chance you will fail!

Well, I didn't fail! My mixture of butter and Coconut oil came out fine. And I think that with the chocolate chips these would have been too sweet.

I would like to try substituting some butterscotch chips if I could find them dairy free. It'd be like caramel apple pie! Can you say YUM?!

Scrumptious! 

Ryan even complimented on how good they were. And Ryan can be a tough cookie to crack! Or crumble? ;)

Oh and by the way, I should totally be a food photographer because aren't those the most beautiful cookie pictures you ever did see?!

Am I making you hungry yet?!

Enjoy your day dreaming of these beauties!