Christmas Time is Here

It's that time of year again! And we are excited in this house. 

Finally put up the tree! Ended up going the artificial route this year and thanks to my more than wonderful mother in-law, who lent us hers, we didn't have to purchase a fake. 

Decorating the tree with kids was... Interesting. My Girlie is at the perfect age this year for decorating (3 going on 15.) My Buddy, however, was quite the treat throwing ornaments at us. 

Yep, he did. Good thing they were dollar store ornaments. 

Lord knows though, you CAN NOT give young children an ornament to hang quick enough. Especially while you are trying to hang all the breakable and sentimental ones up top before the Buddy chucks them on the floor. 

It was also only a matter of time after the tree was decorated that it would then be called the "fucking Christmas tree!" That time came rather quickly after the kids took half the ornaments off of their bottom of the tree. 

Like 20 minutes later. 

"Stop touching the fucking Christmas tree!"

My inlaws understand what I mean- Merry Fucking Christmas you guys! :-p

Ooo ooo ooo onto the cheer! 

This silly little elf surprised us last night! He snuck in our house while we were eating our dinner, left us a book about him under the tree and then climbed or flew (whatever it is elves do) up into our tree. 

;-)

The excitement! I've always loved the Christmas season, but with my littles especially now that my Girlie is old enough to be excited about it, it's so amazing. 

The wonder in her eyes is pure joy to me. 

Buddy is still too young to understand what's going on, but Girlie is and it's so much fun. 

The spirit is definitely there. In her! 

After a long family discussion: grunts and mumbles from Buddy; shouts of Larry and Bird is the Word from Girlie; Dad yelling his usual weird names like Willy Snack Stick, Jimmy Dean, (these were his Baby Name opinions and my nickname while pregnant) and Puddin-Pop;  and me thinking of ya know normal boring names like Jolly, Jingles, Fred, we finally named our elf. 

We are proud to introduce our holiday visitor, Larry Puddin-Pop. 

Definitely looking forward to this time of year. 

I have had a rough year, many changes in my self that have really created a challenge for me and for my family. Physical and mental changes that I've really had no control over with really no sure answers. And I'm still trying to work it all out. 

Everyday is different, how I'll feel, one way or the other. 

But I'm going to try to revel in this Christmas season, channel in the joy and wonder, and enjoy my life. Even though I've had a difficult year, that's the one thing I need to remember everyday. To enjoy my life because at the end of the day I am so so so lucky to have the life I have. 

Happy Holidays from mine to yours! 

Down 'n out (of my mind)

As the tears are welling up in my eyes, I'm constantly wondering why. Why can't I feel normal? Why can't I just be happy? Why does it feel like my mind is sabotaging my life, my mood, my happiness?

It's hard to smile. Even when my kids are laughing and silly, right now the smile (if it comes) is forced.

They are laughing and giggling, running and yelling, singing and dancing. And on days like today, I am covering my ears, overwhelmed by the noise and the constant movement that is my home, trying to hide, wishing I could shrink down into a little ball of nothing and disappear for a little while.

How can I think that? Why do I feel like that?

Sitting on the couch, I could be writing this, crocheting something, nursing the babe and my three year old won't stop touching me. Grabbing my arm, putting her feet on me. I should take a moment to just snuggle and enjoy her... instead I hastily pull away, my nerves are set on edge, I cringe, my shoulders shrug up. She is three and has no respect for my personal boundaries. I don't know if it's normal three year old stuff but it sets me off.

Why? Why does it effect me that way? She is my child. My first. My daughter. I love her with every ounce of my being. And it's totally not fair.

Immediately, I am so angry with myself. I am ashamed, even though I really did nothing wrong. I'm ashamed at the mother that I am not.

I know that I am a good mother. Right now though, I don't feel like I am.

I don't feel like I am good at anything.

I feel so clouded.

So cut off.

On a regular day, when I feel normal, I know that I do good, that I'm okay, that I get what I can done, etc.

On a down day there's no excuses. I tear myself down. I destroy every bit of happiness within myself. Over nothing. For no good reason. I'm terrible at keeping up the home. I don't have the patience to stay home. I'm an awful girlfriend. I don't deserve the good life I have.


It hurts so much!

I hurt.

It's like there's that Angel vs devil on my shoulder thing going on. There is this part of my mind that no matter how happy or good I feel it sneaks in like a little whisper,  reminding me of what a failure I am.


In a few days I'll remember that none of this evil is true. That I am a good mom. I could probably be a better girlfriend. And I do what I can when it comes to a clean house, two toddlers and two dogs. Maybe I'll even have a few lucky moments throughout the down days where I'll remember that.

But right now it hurts and I just want to hide and cry. Try to forget my failures. Try to cope with my feelings. Try to block out the unbelievably loud noises that are my son banging anything on everything.






Don't worry I have an appointment this week.

Concoction #2 I Smell Apple Pie!

Well it smells like apple pie...

It tastes like apple pie...


But I did not make apple pie!

I made apple pie cookies! Yesterday. Not today, but don't be surprised if I do bake cookies before 9:30 am. It can happen!

They look and smell amazing!! 

The recipe is here: http://glutenfreeonashoestring.com/gluten-free-apple-pie-cookies/


These are one of the most delicious cookies I've ever made!!

I did experiment and tweak this recipe a tad due to my lactose intolerance/dairy free lifestyle.

That meant no white chocolate chips! ... =O Oh the horror!!

Also that meant no 10 tablespoons of butter..... Hot Damn! That's a lot of mother-freaking butter!

Instead I split it half & half between my butter substitute saviors: Earth Balance buttery spread and Coconut Oil.

I will admit it: I was totally scared to use the oil! I know it's a good fat substitute but I was silently freaking out that I might ruin these cookies that I've been dying to make! Especially since Nicole Hunn (author of Gluten Free on a Shoestring) advises against the tweaking of her recipes because her recipes have been perfected and if you mess with them there is a strong chance you will fail!

Well, I didn't fail! My mixture of butter and Coconut oil came out fine. And I think that with the chocolate chips these would have been too sweet.

I would like to try substituting some butterscotch chips if I could find them dairy free. It'd be like caramel apple pie! Can you say YUM?!

Scrumptious! 

Ryan even complimented on how good they were. And Ryan can be a tough cookie to crack! Or crumble? ;)

Oh and by the way, I should totally be a food photographer because aren't those the most beautiful cookie pictures you ever did see?!

Am I making you hungry yet?!

Enjoy your day dreaming of these beauties!

Concoction #1: Apple Butter

This morning I made my first batch of apple butter!

 I don't know when it happened, but I am officially a morning person!

Good morning!!

Gluten free German Pancake for breakfast!

Totally quick and easy! Definitely a new breakfast fave!

We're going to call this batch Experiment #1 because there are some things I will definitely do differently on the next batch.

For starters I will use a sweeter apple. I used Macintosh in this experiment. That is what we picked at the orchard last week and that is the apple I prefer to bake with, besides Granny Smith. But, alas, making apple butter is not baking and I was hoping for a sweeter taste. Although it's bitter I'm sure it will work great in recipes! I plan to try out an Apple cinnamon muffin recipe later or tomorrow and I am going to sub in my apple butter for the apple sauce in the recipe.

So a little side note: use a sweeter apple for apple butter!

*FYI: No, I will not give you the recipe because it is not mine to give. If you want the recipe please go visit glutenfreeonashoestring.com or search the Gluten Free On A Shoestring page. The woman is amazing! 

 The apples are in the cauldron!

Immediately my kitchen smelled Ah-mazing!

45 minutes later: "Wands at the ready... REDUCTO!"

Seriously, Harry Potter runs through my blood because these were my exact thoughts (and words because I like to think aloud to myself.)

Anyway, my apples reduced and were on the right track. A little while longer yet for it to thicken... and BAM!

I did it! I made apple butter!

It's a little chunky still. I would have dumped it in the blender and smoothed it out but I couldn't because I recently broke my blender, but I did whip it a little with the hand mixer and then stirred with a spoon to smooth. 

Defiantly some improvements to be made next time but this will definitely work in some recipes I plan to use. 

And I can't wait to make (hopefully) improved batches! 

Page Check!

The results are in! Check out the Journey to a Better Health page in the tabs to follow my health journey. And thank you for stopping by. This is still a work in progress but it will get there eventually right?!

Introduction... or somethin like that

Good morning! Welcome! Thanks for checking in!
A little intro will do for now. P.s. I am writing this on my kindle so excuse any auto-correct mishaps! All this touch screen Crap is really great and all but I dislike typing on anything but an actual keyboard.
I finally decided to start my blog! Yay! ... I have no idea what it's really going to be about so bare with me please. <was that the correct "bare"?
Okay enough of the hooplah.

     I'm kind of sick of the whole life on Facebook thing but of course I won't get rid of it. How else can I see everyone's kids pictures, laugh at their excitement over a dinner plate, keep in touch with people I never talk to and all the rest of the extreme entertainment it has to offer. I'm not judging, I'm guilty of half of that shit. But I do want my life off Facebook a little bit. Since I'm home now I figured I needed to get myself out there. And by out there I mean a different part of the internet because I really don't like to leave the house.

So... this is where you can see what's going on with me and mine. Or maybe I'm the only one who looks at this but that will be okay. Like I said, I'm at least putting myself "out there."

As the title says: this is just a little step into my world, my ever growing new world. Recently, I have made some lifestyle changes that have sent me on a new path. And for the most part I am really enjoying it. It pretty much all started because of this really crappy stomach/intestinal issue that I've been having (more about that later) that has gotten so severe I can't really do anything or go anywhere. Totally sucks! But because of this I've gotten to become (temporarily) an official stay at home mom, start a healthier diet regimen, and this has all led to a much happier mindset. I like it and I hope it sticks.